Ladies & Gentlemen The world's luckiest kitten.
So it's five a side football for charity season again. This is the annual event where I get to kick the area manger and pretend it was an accident. All for charity. This year it's for the NSPCC's Full Stop campaign (www.nspcc.org.uk) any donations gratefully recieved btw :). I notice that Amazon sell home defibrilators an item we may need a great need for with more than a majority of us being old enough and certainly wide enough to know better than to huff and puff up and down a football pitch and being shown up by the younger members of our company. Mind you I may use it on the area manger shouting "clear!" and pressing it to his chest at full current. bzzttt! "fuck off "he'd say "I was just asleep" "Oh sorry" I'd lie before making sure with the defibrilator just one more time ... or so. It's all for charity.
I was hoping to get some money together to open 'Seventies World'tm. This is a theme park where you'd turn up at the gate and exchange your clothes for old second hand stuff that your mum bought at a jumble sale, mostly nylon shirts (remeber those sparks if you got changed with the lights off at night?) and trousers that would get caught in the chain of your bike that you'd ride around and it has a piece of card in the spokes to make it sound like a motorbike. The more adventurous of the customers could have spacehoppers (and a special nurse on stand by for bitten tongues). People could enjoy the dirt and squallor in the streets from the Winter of Discontent and TV and electricity would end after the 10 O'clock news. Afternoon telly would consist of a test card and or horse racing. Lunch would be a cheese or ham sandwich (never together Cheese and Ham sandwiches not being invented until 1982)that has been lovingly crafted by smearing stork margarine over two slices of thin mother's pride white bread. Placed inside would be some kind of waxy cheese that has begun to sweat inside a tupperware box in the hot boot of a Vauxhall Viva between Norfolk and the south coast of England. Strikes would be frequent and limiting park services to three days only. Washing services available would be 1 type of shampoo (25p 'New' Pence for 3 gallons as litres were demonised as being 'too foriegn'), 1 type of palmolive soap (large green bar too big for kids to hold) and 1 type of fairly adequate soap powder. Baths limited to one a week and six inches of water only and you are advised to share. As you retire after your sumptuos meal of Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie baked in the tin, garden peas and boiled potatoes with a pudding of either angel delight or raspberry ripple ice cream (deluxe package only), your evening would be completed by watching one of three channels on the tv (mostly one as no remote controls and you can't be bothered to 'get up and change over') programming consists of fat middle aged men telling racist, sexist or ageist jokes regarding family members (usually Mothers In Law)or foriegners (usually referred to as 'darkies'), or on the other channels you have fat middle aged men chasing large breasted women around with the intent of gaining sexual favours and not being arrested. When you decide to turn in for the night closing your brown and orange floral curtains and changing into bri-nylon pyjamas and climbing into your nylon sheets, marvel at the sparks generated as you slide your legs down the bed. New this season buildings have that extra 70's feel by smearing them with decades of soot and grime and the streets are liberally decorated with white dog shit.
Anyway there were things that were ok about the seventies Ian Dury being one of them. Here's two albums from the man himself 'Laughter and 'Do It Yourself' both two disk versions with a large amount of demos and rare tracks. Hope you enjoy them.